Worn...

I think my brain is broken.

Or maybe it’s just worn out. Either way, it could use a tune up or some replacement parts or something…

I mean, I usually have only the tiniest of attention spans-- that’s been a part of me forever… But lately all of this added weirdness that the pandemic has inflicted upon our lifestyles has me a little extra distracted. Or maybe discombobulated? Probably both.

For example, I was thinking ahead on this very post (I get ahead of myself when I write… My brain is usually about 3 paragraphs ahead of where I’m actually writing-- it’s complicated.) And I went, “How far is my drive to work right now?” So I pulled up my phone to check the map app… Pretty soon I’m reading about a friend’s injured dog, noting a facebook discussion I’m engaged in has a new post (I’m not even invested in that conversation…), ordering from a different friend’s party and re-watching a video someone sent me earlier today of a nearly-naked puppeteer using slices of pizza as marionettes. Oh yeah… maps.

I don’t know if it’s just the extra stress everyone’s under right now, or what. But seriously, my brain is worn. All I want to do is craft. Being a maker is probably my biggest stress reliever. It lets me turn off the over-used parts of my brain that get me through the work day and help me pass as a functioning adult and let my hands get to work for a while. It doesn’t even have to be a necessarily creative pursuit (though I love those too… still a different part of my brain taking over there), and it feels like a break.

I remember when states were first starting to put shelter-in-place and safer-at-home orders into place, there were several conversations in craft groups I’m in on facebook on the topic of, “What are you going to do with all of your extra time? Are you stocked up on supplies? What projects are you finally going to tackle?” I wouldn’t let myself respond to them out of fear I’d break into some ridiculous rant starting with the words, “Bitch, please…”

We all get 24 hours every day. Maybe you’re finding extra freetime in your days right now, and maybe you’re not. I still spend 9 hours every day at work plus commute time (which, as I eventually got back to figuring out has gone from a whopping 6.2 miles each way down to 1.2 miles while we work in “business continuity mode”). The truth of the matter is that even if I work wasn’t still taking up as much time as ever, the rest of my life would still take up my time.

When I’m at work, Kirk is on duty. When I’m home, I’m on duty. We do what we can to give each other breaks wherever possible (for example--I try to get Nolan out of the house on a walk or car ride after work to give Kirk some time where no one is screaming for no reason 80% of the time…), but with so many businesses closed or limited in their capacity the opportunities are limited. So we’re tired. But I’m also pretty sure most of the people in the world are tired right about now.

I’m just worn out. I’m sure I’ve said it a hundred times this month alone. And really, it’s not that much different from anything else around here. Looking around, Nolan and this whole life we live as a family wears things out. And we wear a lot of things out faster than normal. So why wouldn’t my brain be wearing out at the same time?

For real. Nolan has had this keyboard since Christmas of 2018… He loves it and plays it constantly, so of course it’s wearing out. His toothbrushes get chewed as much as they get brushed with. Of course they wear out. Heck, even his bedding wears out faster than most-- when sheets get washed an average of 5 times a week instead of once a week? That cute shark print is going to fade to almost nothing in under 6 months-- that’s the kind of things story problems in math class taught us (or tried to).

So, yeah. My brain function probably isn’t as good as normal. There’s no time to recharge with crafts… The constant noise and movement wears on me the way the washing machine wears on the bed sheets. Plus, my wiring probably isn’t exactly typical to start with--let's face it, a Fiero will never run like a Mustang.

For now, I’ll use caffeine like the cheap glue you’ve got on hand that only kind of works to solve a problem until you can get a permanent fix in place.

Just know that if you find me daydreaming about hot glue and heat transfer vinyl or unable to find the word I’m looking for (even when it’s a super obvious or easy word), it’s just a little worn out.