Dark Days

I’m struggling to write tonight.

Not because I can’t come up with something to write about or because I can’t find the words… Though it is a Monday, and sometimes my brain and the words have a hard time finding common ground. But it’s not that.

Every time I think about a topic and start to mentally organize my thoughts, everything turns into one big long whiny puddle of yuck. Believe it or not, that’s not me. I’m typically pretty laid back and agreeable. Most people would probably even say that I usually have a cheerful disposition.

I understand that we live very fortunate lives. We’re blessed in more ways than I can count. But we also have an uphill battle, and lately it’s really starting to wear on me.

Maybe it’s the fact that there’s no relief in sight when it comes to this pandemic… Maybe it’s because people can’t agree on what’s really important as we work through everything this year has thrown at us. Maybe it’s because my kid has been without a schedule for what feels like approximately 90 years and is really needy as a result.

Or maybe I just need a nap. Or some coffee. Or both. Heck, let’s add some chocolate to that for a trifecta.

Nolan borrowed my phone. When I got it back, it was full of moody teen angst photography-- this photo being the highlight. I may never figure out how to get it out of black & white mode...

So I do want to talk about things like fighting for services and how it feels like you need to learn how to game the system just to get your kid what they need. And I want to talk about my fears of what will happen to Nolan-- who will fight for him-- when Kirk and I are gone. And I even want to discuss how frustrating it is to live in a home with two adults who hold bachelor’s degrees and struggle to make ends meet. Heck, someday I may even talk about the fact that I use humor as a coping mechanism to deal with stress.

But not today. Today, my depression and anxiety are louder apparently. Honestly, in 2020 that’s probably not a surprise to me-- or probably anyone… I don’t live with my head buried in the sand, so it’s hard to ignore what’s happening around the world.

So today, I will just remind everyone that rough days (and weeks, and months… and years) happen. Just like the last one, we will get through this one.

And yes-- I’m reminding myself just as much as anyone reading.

I don’t have to force myself to be happy-- that’s okay and even normal sometimes. I don’t have to be content, and I don’t even have to pretend that I’m okay if I’m not.

And yes-- I’m reminding you (anyone who may need to hear it) as much as myself.

All I really have to do is get through.

If getting through this year or this pandemic is too much, I just need to think about getting through this month… Or this week if a month is too much. Or even just today or the next five minutes.

All that matters is that we give ourselves that chance. We deserve that.